Peter Conrad CARS, ATP, CFI, CFII, MEI, Comm SEL-SES, PI is an automotive expert, member of ExpertPages since 2007. To contact this member, click here for his profile page.
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So
you need to hire a repossession company? That’s GREAT, and I’m here to help.
But in order to hire the worst of the worst, the most despicable of the
despicable, and last but not least, the most villainous of the villains, you must follow these few simple rules.
1. Criminals
-That’s right, these
disgusting human beings can be useful for something other than filling prisons.
Repo men! Be absolutely sure that at least the owner of the company you plan to
do business with is a convicted felon. But if you can, try to hire a company
that has all criminals working for it - preferably most with outstanding
warrants. This has the added bonus of the possibility that, although they
started running your accounts, they certainly will not be able to finish, due
to their need to ”pay their debt to society”. Some of the other benefits will
include:
a. Lying. You
will be amazed and thrilled with the continuous fabrications and phenomenal
creativity of the employees. From the owner all they way to the lowly field
agent. After a while you will honestly (a little pun) believe that they lie
just for the shear ”sport of it.”
b.Thievery. I
don’t want to get carried away with the benefits of this one. But if it isn’t
nailed down (and even if it is) it will be gone. From the debtor’s purse or
wallet to that car stereo just installed, the complaints will flow into your
office like a tsunami. With a little luck, most of these will turn into
lawsuits. One of the best of the worst of the worst, a company that exemplifies
all of these rules (and who shall go nameless), would regularly wait until they
had repossessed a truck of the same make and model as their one of their own
repo trucks, park it in their shop, remove the engine and transmission, and use
it to replace the worn ones from the repo truck. They would then send the
repossessed vehicle to auction, with of course the worn out engine and
transmission.
c. Grand Theft
Auto. This one really goes under the heading of thievery, but when the company
you’ve chosen really starts to go down the tube, so will your repos. Grand
Theft Auto is special; when your customer calls in to pay off his loan or has
made up his late payments and wants his car back, nothing (I mean NOTHING) is
more thrilling than trying to find a pleasant way of telling him that his car
is in little pieces in Tijuana, Mexico.
2. Liars.
This was also covered
under Criminals, but let’s face it, you cannot overestimate the negative impact
of a good liar. Also, you don’t have to be a criminal to be constantly lying.
Imagine your surprise when you find out that the repo company you hired
has not been running several accounts that you have had out with them for a
month at all! First of all the
accounts are not being picked up, but even better they could even be billing
you for some work that has never been done! This is going to look great for
your bottom line. Another good one that you can look forward to is a car that
they picked up a few days ago has significant damage to it. But the repo
company says that that is the way it was picked up. You come to find out a year
later that that very car was being towed along a state highway, broke loose
from the tow truck, and hit a light pole. The only way you found out about that
was the bill that you just received from the State. Just think of the
excitement this will cause! Not to mention all the problems you will have to
look forward to with personal property, storage lot security, updates, and of
course auction delivery dates. So you thought your life was boring?
3. Lazy.
This is by far the most
entertaining of the personality traits that you want to be absolutely sure your
new repo man or company has. This won’t necessarily get you into any legal
trouble, but it will send you to an early grave. But who wants to live forever,
right? The stress induced by laziness will be worth its weight in gold. When
you ask seven times for an update or wonder why the address that is two
miles from the repo company’s storage lot, has not been run yet, not only
will you consider a career change but you may need a vacation just to keep the
homicidal thoughts to a minimum.
4. Violent.
This is an oldie but a
goodie. Within this increasingly litigious society, having a company or
individual representing you in the field that is potentially violent is a
sure-fired way of getting the blood flowing (figuratively and literally). Just
imagine the potential for lawsuits. You don’t even have to use your
imagination, for it will come to pass as surely as the sun rises in the morning.
With the right repo company handling all of your repos, you are virtually
guaranteed a violent confrontation - even with something minor, such as a
debtor asking to clean out their vehicle prior to it being towed away. The
phone calls to your office the next day will really make your day - not only
from the debtor, but the police, prosecuting attorney, and the media!
5. Armed.
When your new repo company
has its first violent confrontation, it would be really good if they
were armed. This not only escalates a simple bloody nose into murder, but has
the potential of perhaps killing someone who was just nearby. An actual
innocent bystander! But as a friend of mine once said, ”there are no such
things as an innocent bystanders.” (I think he was joking.) If you thought the
calls from the police, prosecuting attorney and the media were bad before, just
wait until there is a murder. Your phone will literally ring right off the
hook.
These are just a few of
the rules one should adhere to when choosing the worst of the worst (if that’s
really what you want). But keep in mind: if you just follow these five rules,
you will guarantee yourself years of anguish, pain, anger, humiliation, and
best of all, enormous financial losses.
On the other hand if you really want to avoid all that unpleasantness, just do the opposite! These few rules
are great (for doing the opposite), I reverse them when hiring employees for my
own company, and so should you!!
-Pete
Conrad
